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Being narcisstic is good!

Being a narcissus is good!

I am proud to say that. I am a “narcissus”.

Actually led me qualify that, I am not a narcissus in that I think I am better than others or look down on them. In fact that sort of superiority complex is very dangerous and will most likely lead to life teaching us some humility. The term “narcissus” derives from a story in Greek mythology of a young man who was exceptionally good looking and ended up going to the river and seeing a reflection of himself, so enamoured was he with what he felt was the sheer beauty of his image that he stayed there, not leaving it and ended up dying and then being transformed in to a flower. I am a narcissus in the sense that I am a handsome Greek man, or a flower.

A narcissus flower.

So now you know that I am not Greek and I am not a flower, and you also know that I do not look down on others and in fact think it is, as I said “dangerous”, as I personally know some people who were arrogant and even internally looked down upon others only to be humbled later on in life and being afflicted with the same problems they had. How then am I am narcissus?
 
How am I a narcissus?
 
I am a narcissus in that I look at myself and appreciate myself. If a husband looked at his wife and complimented her on her beauty, and in no way disparaged others is there anything wrong with that? Far from it. So what if he himself looked at himself and thought he was handsome, or admired his positive qualities.
 
I encourage everyone to “accept” themselves for who they are (read my blog on self-acceptance) and to practise “abundance” (read my blog on abdunance) and celebrate themselves, praise themselves, admire the good qualities about themselves, whilst not:
 
1. Being blind to their faults and areas of improvement.
2. Looking down on others, or even being too concerned with them at all.
 
Many people feel unloved, have low self-esteem and seek to try and rectify this through external validation of others. No, don’t. First accept yourself, love yourself, admire yourself. So I am a “semi-narcissus”. I will elaborate more on some of the points in later blogs.
 
 
– Jahan Choudhry
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In the past on this blog, I have written about self-acceptance and the fact that you should be completely happy with whoever you are.

My blog on self-acceptance.

It doesn’t matter what colour, creed, sex, age, weight, height, bra-size, body shape, level of education, wealth or lack of it that you are or have, you are you and should be happy with who you are. Many people suffer from stress or unease because they aspire to be a certain “ideal”. They impose upon themselves certain targets. They then say they will be “happy” when they meet these targets i.e. when they become that weight, gain that appearance, have that job or money, only then to find something else to be unhappy about. You will never be perfect.  In some of the most extreme cases some young people set themselves a certain target of going to a certain prestigious university or certain grades and when they have failed to get to a super-prestigious university (and instead just a prestigious one) they have commited suicide. You can read one example of this here. Below is an image which I saw on my facebook today and would like to share with my readers and subscribers.

Courtesy of "Unconditional love" on facebook.

– First accept yourself for who you are.

– No one is perfect and everyone has problems be it the wealthiest man, the most good looking actor, the most beautiful model or anyone else.

– If you accept yourself and this is deeply grounded within you, this core strength of yours will manifest itself to others and draw them to you.

– Accept yourself and then focus on all your positive qualities and celebrate them.

– Do not be overly competitive or jealous or seek to outdo others when not necessary. You are who you are. You are good at some things and better than others. The person who is “richer”, slimmer, “better looking” than you has these things, and you have other things which they do not.

– Love yourself and you will be loved.

Image source.

Thank you for reading, have a great day.

– Jahan Choudhry.

 

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This is part 8 of the mind diet series, please read this: https://jahanc.wordpress.com/2010/09/29/the-mind-diet-part-6/

In my last article I spoke about how to deal with stress. I said stress is essentially fear which is related to:

1. Level of power

You would not have any stress if I asked you to turn this computer off because this is something easy, something you have complete power over. So one key way you can avoid stress is to increase your power (or capability as some find the word “power” a bit too much), be it financially, physically or personality wise, so you can put a big distance between yourself and situations which might cause you stress, e.g. if you are a millionaire you will not have the stress of worrying about paying the rent.

2. Your level of confidence (mentioned in: https://jahanc.wordpress.com/2010/09/29/the-mind-diet-part-6/)

The more confidence you have in yourself, the less you will be worried, even if the worst does come because you know you will be able to overcome it. So for example even if you were to be made redundant, you know you could find a better job. Confidence is an accumulative process gained through focusing on small successes every day. At first it may be difficult, you may think “What do I have to be happy about? I’m a loser…nothing is going right.” In fact there is something for everyone to look at as a success. The very fact that you are reading this means: 1. You either have your own computer (so you had the money to buy it, thus a success) or at least access to one (so you either have a friend – some people have hardly any friends – with a computer, or work/study in a place which does). 2. Some people cannot even read. This may seem “funny” but as a former literacy tutor (I have been an employability trainer as well as teaching English to foreigners and literacy, that is teaching English-speaking people how to read and write) I know that this problem is more common than many realize. So confidence is gained by looking at whatever success you have, focusing on it more, viewing every “small” success as a success, looking back at times when you overcame things until it becomes so habitual that it is embedded in to your personality. You then have a different outlook on life and can deal with challenges and stress more effectively.

3. Examining the “undesired” outcome.

Sometimes people have stress over undesired outcomes, which in fact are not as bad as they may seem. So what if some people think you are not “cool” because you are not wearing the latest fashion, or if your team don’t win the soccer or baseball match.  There are people who have commited suicide over popstars breaking away from their pop group. On a more serious level, there are things which definitely need to be worried about for example losing your home, your partner, your job, an important business deal or other things. Some of these might be unavoidable, maybe you and your partner really cannot reconcile no matter how hard you try, maybe you will lose your job when there is a recession. However you have confidence in your ability to overcome that and realize that maybe it is even a hidden blessing and something better will emerge. Maybe you will meet someone better, or get another better job.

Anger, upset.

Having spoken of the healthy mental “foods” which you should be feeding your mind, I then went on to speaking about the unhealthy ones. There are many and we can simply call them “negative thoughts/feelings”. However as I said in a previous article two of the most common are stress and anger/upset.

Anger and upset are similar but not the same. Anger is more active and external, when you are angry you may take it out on someone or even be violent.  Upset can mean the same or it can mean an internal passive unhappiness whereby you confine negative feelings to yourself. This is in fact mental bacteria as all negative thoughts are. This is not to say that all negative thoughts are bad, in fact life is a lesson and we are not meant to live in constant happiness from birth to the grave, rather it is an adventure, a novel, or a film whereby we go through challenges and difficulties and learn from them. It is natural and in some ways healthy that at times we are upset, angry, disappointed and so on, but not if it destroys our ability to be financially and personally successful.

Upset, sadness.

Anger, regular anger is not the trait of a calm and successful person.

This is a huge topic and a book, in fact not a book, but a series of books with different volumes could be written on this. I will discuss this more in later articles.  However there are some things which you can do now to avoid becoming angry and I will share one of the most important today.

The power of “should”

“Should” is one of the most important words in the English language. In fact it is not just a word, but a concept. In fact it is not just a concept but can be a law, or laws, both moral and cultural as well as being legal and governmental which glue the society that we live in. From a young age we are taught “shoulds” and “should nots”, and so we should. However though “should” is a very useful word, “you should help others”, “you should be honest with your customers”, it is a double edged sword.

The misuse of should is what often leads to great anger. When we create “shoulds” for ourselves and these “shoulds” are not met then we become angry. My husband “should” compliment on my new dress, but he doesn’t. My wife “should” do this. That man “should” have said thank you for me opening the door for him, but he didn’t, what an idiot! My boss “should” have treated me like he treated the other employee. There are many shoulds that we make. Some of them are unnecessary. We create a “should” and when it is met, we become angry. We create an expectation, we then become disappointed when it is not met. We even think there is something wrong with us. “Why do people treat me like this? Why? Why me? Why not him or her?”.  In fact there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone should be happy for who and what they are. If your partner does not compliment you on your dress, that is his problem not yours. If someone doesn’t thank you for opening the door, there is nothing wrong with you but with him. Live life without lots of “shoulds”, be prepared to meet many idiots on the way and just smile and replace “should” with, “it would be nice”.

“He didn’t compliment me on my new dress, it would be nice, but he didn’t but hey I’m happy with who I am.”

“He didn’t say thank you when I opened the door for him, it would be nice, but he didn’t but I’m happy with who I am.”

“People aren’t grateful to me for the favours I do, it would be nice but they don’t but I’m happy with who I am.”

“It would be nice if everything would go my way, but it doesn’t but I’m happy with who I am and I will be a success.”

You will feel less anger because you have less expectations and lower standards. The decrease in anger will lead to an increase in the quality of your life. The increased calmness will lead to improved decision making. The internal happiness that is inside you will transmit itself to others and people will be drawn to you. In terms of business, each individual is a brand and the image and feel that you transmit contributes to the brand image people have of  you. Removing unnecessary “shoulds” is one key way of decreasing anger and upset. This does not mean being a passive doormat that accepts everything. Have self-respect and fight for your rights. Be prepared to write letters of complaint, but do it in a calm, dignified way, not a bitter “They should have done this and that…this is wrong, there should be…and it should be..”. No, the world is full of morons and unfairness, but be strong, and have an inner strength and stability and you will see greater success.

– Jahan Choudhry.

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Mind diet, part 1.

In my previous blog I spoke about self-acceptance (see https://jahanc.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/self-acceptance/). Self-acceptance is the fundamental foundation upon which your success both personal and financial will be built on. A person who is at peace with himself, is at peace with the world and one to whom people will naturally gravitate and warm to. Someone who has internal anger, upset and grievances is one who people may steer clear of. A constant internal dialogue of upset and unhappiness is like as I said before a hole in a boat from which water is leaking, unless that hole is patched water will keep on leaking and causing problems for the boat. Also when you accept yourself, i.e. unconditional love of who you are and what you regardless of how “bad” or “useless” you or your life may be, you will find that life/the universe will work with you, not against you. Also you may not realize but your body, which is a very sophisticated piece of machinery, in fact the most sophisticated known to man, will operate and flow more smoothly and efficiently. There will be health benefits.

The next step in your road to success after self-acceptance is what I call a “mind diet” or a “mind regime”. We are all familiar with food diets. We all know that you have to be careful about what you eat, it will affect your heart, lungs, other organs, skin and immune system.

We all know we should not eat “fast food” or “junk food”.

We know junk food can give us problems such as heart disease, clogged up artieries and many other illnesses.

Therefore many of us go on diets and are very careful of what we allow to go inside our bodies. Certain types of food, in excess, are essentially poisons. We also sometimes go on an exercise programme which goes with our diet as an overall “health regime”.

“Mind regime”.

However what many do not realise is that we have to do exactly the same in protecting our mind in the way we protect our health. Negative thoughts ultimately breed negative events, and they also have an impact on our bodies. In terms of food we are told not to eat too many fatty foods, oily foods and to eat the right amounts of fruit and vegetables and other healthy foods.

I will be telling you in this post, in general terms, what sort of “mind food” you should be putting in your mind.

1. Abundance

“Abundance” is a term used in personal success coaching to talk about focusing on all the good things that you have in your life. One could even be a beggar but if one focuses on some of the positive things that one has such as sight and hearing and anything else then one will start to attract more of this, i.e. things to be happy about, rather than the opposite which is to focus on “I don’t have this….aaargh life sucks…this happened…that happened” and guess what will happen?

Yes, you’ve guessed it you will be having more “I don’t have this…aargh ife sucks…this happened…that happened” moments not less.

A miserable person is not a successful person.

This is all based on something, which perhaps most of my readers though maybe not all, will be familiar with called “the law of attraction”. The law of attraction is a rule so simple which even a 7 year old can understand (if you don’t believe me, try it and ask a young child that you or your family know), but also a rule so fundamental, that even successful millionaire businessmen who travel the world will affirm.

It is this: ” What you focus on, is what you get”

If you think I’ll never be successful, I’m not good enough, what will happen?

Yes, exactly, you won’t be successful.

So take a few minutes of your life (in my personal programmes, I work with clients on specifics) to practise “abundance”. Even if you are in debt, or have been sacked, or separated from your partner just take a second and think of what you do have, your health, your sanity, your friends, your family, your clothes. Focus on that, be grateful and if you apply this consistently every day then over a course of weeks or months you will see the change.

This does not mean…

Ignore your problems and lie to yourself and imagine they don’t exist. No. Life is essentially a huge class or course, in which we constantly have problems and challenges and which we develope ourselves by overcoming them. One of my own mentors, is one of the – if not the – happiest people I know. He has problems to deal with, including recently taking care of a member of his family, however he always has a smile on his face, a natural smile which comes from a very fundamental and deeply set understanding, developed over years, of how life works and how to be successful.

In my next blog I will speak more about the “mind diet” and the other key ingredients needed in it.

Also for the business-minded amongst you all of this relates to the commercial world, and executive performance optimization, which something I and my company deal with.

– Jahan

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In my previous posts I have spoken of how:

Change is possible, that you can start the business you wish, or expand the business you already have, or clear the huge debts that you have, or generally improve your situation.

See: https://jahanc.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/the-future-starts-now-part-2/

The power of the mind, which I will speak more about in the future, and how it is related to the body.

See https://jahanc.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/the-mind-and-body-are-connected/

Now I am going to talk about the first specific thing which you need to do.

Self-acceptance.

Every successful thing, be it a person, building or organization is based on a very solid foundation. In order for you to be successful, or more for successful, you need to lay that mental foundation. The first thing which you must do is what we call “Self-acceptance”.

One of the best writers on this topic is Andrew Matthews in his work “Follow your heart”, which I actively encourage everyone to get a copy of and read.

Self-acceptance means accepting yourself as you are. It means removing the idea from your mind that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, or your life. There isn’t.

It means that you can look at yourself and say “there’s nothing wrong with me”.

You can be overweight, there’s nothing wrong with you.

You can be in debt, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Have no formal education, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Be single, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Have experienced great pain, be it financial, emotional or even physical, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Look at yourself and accept who you are. It doesn’t matter what you look like, whether your short, “ugly” (no one is ugly and everyone’s tastes are different), aging with white hair, divorced, not popular as others or anything.

Everyone has an issue.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, every person on this planet has an issue, or a cause for complaint. This could be the Royal family who may feel they are missing out in not knowing how ordinary people live and relate to most people, or be percieved as out of touch. If you look at the biographies of most successful people (a quick browse through wikipedia can do that) you will see that everyone of them was afflicted with a problem in some way.

What self-acceptance means…

What self acceptance means is that you unconditionally love and accept yourself for what and who you are. This is in the same way you would love a member of your family regardless of how successful they are, regardless of what they look like, what they wear, what job they do, how much pain they’ve gone through and so on. For you, their external appearance would be immaterial. This is how you should accept yourself.

You are you.

 There is only one you.

 No one else will be special enough to be you and to have experienced the unique combination of feelings, events, people, places that make up your life.

What self-acceptance doesn’t mean…

It does not mean not wishing to make yourself better. It does not mean that if you are overweight you don’t try to lose weight, what it does mean is you don’t hate yourself for being a bit plump. It doesn’t mean being happy about any failures you’ve experienced, but merely means it happened as such things happen to everyone but you love yourself and accept yourself in the way you would love and accept your brother or sister if the same happened to them.

It does not mean not trying to improve yourself. Far from it, you must always seek to improve yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up…

When you don’t accept yourself and look at yourself and say “Look at me..I am this, I am that…I am ugly, I am in debt…I’m useless at this….so and so is more popular than me in the office, why does he always say thank you to her and not to me! etc, etc” you are actually beating yourself and in some ways quite literally.

The thoughts and feelings that we have make an impact on the body and leave an effect even on our cells, which is why happy people are healthy people and sad people have weaker immune systems. When you look at yourself and tell yourself, your life is horrible, you are no good, the world is unfair, you don’t get this and you don’t get that you are hitting yourself, you are punching yourself and damaging yourself.

The fundamental non-acceptance of yourself and unhappiness with yourself is like a hole in a boat. No matter how much you try to do with that boat there will always be a leak until the hole is patched. So no matter how you try and improve yourself or do things, or read different books, or attend different seminars, that hole will always be there and you may wonder why despite all your attempts to make yourself feel better there will be an unexplainable factor which still makes you feel miserable.

In coaching there is a technique called the “Emotional Freedom Technique” which is a method of touching parts of your body whilst repeating an affirmation that you completely accept yourself. I knew someone who used to do this and in fact actually used to teach it, however it was quite clear that it was not working for them as they themselves did not truly believe in it. This technique however if applied correctly does work, however there is an easier way to get the same result and that is merely to accept yourself for who you are. There is nothing wrong with you.

Self-acceptance and branding…

This blog in addition to being a free personal coaching blog,  is also for business coaching. How does all this relate to the world of business?

Each person is a brand. Brands are not just multi-national companies or famous labels but also people. The ideas and image that people have of you is your brand image. In business in order to be successful you need to inspire people’s confidence. Companies such as Mercedes,  Cartier, and others spend millions on marketing and sustaining their brand, fortunately for you, you do not have to spend anything more than you normally would.

The first step in creating your own personal brand is to accept yourself for who you are. If you are unhappy with yourself, who and what you are it will on a very cellular level (even at times subconsciously) project itself and be seen by others. I will speak more about personal branding in the future, but suffice to say it does not mean having to look ultra-glamourous. Bill Gates is not as good looking (to most, appearance is completely subjective) to most as Brad Pitt, but Bill Gates is far, far wealthier and a successful business person.

Bill Gates, one of – if not the – richest men in the world.

Brad Pitt, more glamourous than Bill Gates but with a far weaker personal branding in the business world than Gates.

Looks, sex, race or anything similar are not important in creating your own successful personal business brand. Nor necessarily do you have to be super-intelligent, though of course you must be willing to learn and willing to work very hard.

Successful British business woman, Debbie Reynolds, on the right,  who started and now runs her own very set of successful sign language schools. Reynolds has hearing difficulties.

Health benefits…

However the fundamental reason for self-acceptance is not merely being successful in business, but the benefits it has on your overall life including your health. Self-acceptance will stop you from beating yourself and thus damaging yourself, your body and quite literally its cells will be more relaxed, and you will be calmer, more positive and more productive.

Self-acceptance is the first step on your road to success.

– Jahan Choudhry.

 

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